Rubatosis: The unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat.
I am so aware of my own heartbeat all the time. The thought crosses my mind at least 3-4 times a day, how my heart has been beating since the moment it started and it will continue to do so until my physical being comes to an end. It simultaneously freaks me out, fascinates me and fills me with a deep desire to live life to the full.
When I lay in bed at night, I quite often can hear my heartbeat. I think about how powerful of an organ it is, how its fuelled blood around my body through so many different endurance events and how its likely to do so in so many more. Having these thoughts can sometimes lead to some sort of existential panic but most often, for me, it does the opposite and fills me with an energy to utilise this life, to make it extraordinary, fill it with adventure and push myself to my limits on a daily basis.
As a young boy, I went through what I guess most human being’s go through at some stage, the sudden awareness that you are mortal and won’t live forever. When you’re a child and you have that realisation, you look for all the possible answers and guidance you can from your superiors – only to find out that nothing is for certain. I feel as though this thought is hard to grasp at first but as you roll into your adult life you suddenly become more comfortable with the idea that nothing is for certain and instead of viewing this as a negative, you learn to utilise the thought into an energy that propels and motivates you into living to your absolute best.
I used to think that the awareness of my own existence was something to avoid and ignore, these days I remind myself every couple of hours that life is not forever. This way I remind myself to always be doing that little bit more, squeeze the most out of every situation and live to best of my abilities.
So just stop what you’re doing right now and feel your pulse or (if you’re lucky enough to be somewhere quiet) have a listen to your heart beat. Remind yourself that it won’t beat forever. Now go do something incredible that gives that beat some value.
All the love.
BG
benedict. 